Last night I had a complete emotional breakdown. It happens pretty often. I’m “sensitive” you could say. The last time I had one was the day I realized I was getting divorced. The day my life officially flipped upside down. I pretend I’m over it. Walk around with a smile on my face, just pretend it’s okay. It’s had it’s moments that’s for sure. It hasn’t been all bad. But it’s been bad. I make terrible decisions. Rash and thoughtless. Then I pay. I blame everything. I blame myself most of all yet I don’t make effort to address it. Until of course I blow a gasket which is what happened last night. Best of all it was in front of my children. My youngest being the beautiful soul she is told me “Everything is going to be okay Daddy”, to which I replied “I hope so sweetie”. My oldest coming up to me and poking my arm. Just once. One little poke. Her way of, well I don’t know. Her way of letting me know it’s gonna be okay? I wonder how they’re gonna remember me. I know that sounds cryptic and I’m not going anywhere but I do wonder that.
So what now? I start a new job, a job that is my “dream job” in a day. My new nightmare job that I haven’t even started. Oh God it’s causing me so much anxiety I could puke, literally. My new job that I truly believe will ultimately lead me to happiness. Maybe I should swallow the red pill and start getting into Jesus. I need faith. I’ve got no faith in myself and neither do others and I don’t blame ‘em. It’s a pity party and everyone’s invited.
Think I’m going to do my own version of the song “Depression” by Black Flag and change the lyrics starting with the chorus.
Depression’s got a hold of me.
I gotta break free.
Depression’s got a hold on me.
gonna kill me.
Although I think this Black Flag song might be a bit more relevant after last night-
It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve started my life over. A year and half of constant change, depression, bad decisions, and some very stark realizations. Mind you it hasn’t been all bad per say but I feel beatin’ down. I need to get up and start taking charge than just hoping it all works out. Having a positive attitude is really hard when you’re wired to have a negative one. Having a positive attitude actually isn’t gonna get me anywhere without positive movement. In other words I need to make shit happen. I know that seems almost like a no brainer but I’m relatively new to this whole positivity shit and I mean like 15 years of trying my hardest to live with a positive outlook. I’m 40 now, so almost half my life. Shit’s hard. This past year and a half I’ve been at my lowest of lows. Fuuuucking depressed. And when I’m depressed the last thing I want to do is “get up” (figuratively and literally) and move in a forward positive motion let alone even get out of bed.
I’ve realized that I’m going to have to work harder to get some forward motion going. I’ve got to pick myself up, brush off and come back stronger. I’m going to have to get a second job. I’m going to have to get Government Assistance. I’m going to have to stop sitting around and wishing for the best. I have to make it happen. Fuck, this is the rest of my life. A life of work, sleep and watch my kids grow faster and faster. It’s really fucking HARD to get up and dust off when that’s what the outlook is. It’s life though. I don’t really have options, it’s just not what I had ever wanted to surrender to. Don’t get me wrong here. I love my life. The kids. The kids keep me together sorta. I’m really scared actually. When Cadence looks at me and say’s “But Dad, you HAVE to be happy”, it fucking kills me when I look at her and all I can say is “No honey, I don’t”. That’s the truth of it though.
So here we go. I start a new job next week, I’m painfully broke and stressed and depressed but I’m gonna do this. I’m sick of it. I know the truth. The truth is that through hard work and forward motion I will be HAPPY.
When I’m depressed I always end up with the chorus from Black Flags song “Depression” stuck in my head, over and over. It goes a little something like this-
Depression’s got a hold of me.
Depression, I gotta break free.
Depression’s got a hold on me.
Depression’s gonna kill me.
Pretty bleak right? Well it’s funny because of all the lines to focus on, I focus on breaking free because I won’t let it fucking kill me.
And it said
Who would Jesus bomb?
The Jews. Obviously Jesus would bomb the Jews. Duh.
Okay not really but I am doing much better!
A dear friend taught me something basic, to basic that it’s almost embarrassing but anyway…
Forever I’ve felt like I’ve been “stuck” on the guitar. Ya know, like I felt like I just kept playing the same bullshit over and over. Now with my new knowledge playing the guitar has been one of the funnest things I like to do. I getting good! Not to mention I decided to start singing and LOVE it. I sing to the kids all the time and they hate it. But I know they really like it. I just start making up songs and now I’ve noticed Cadence doing the same. Today she was singing about chicken at the store because that’s what we were there to buy. How awesome is that!? One day Cadence asked me to sing her a song about “angry Batman”, so I did and we recorded the bitch and it’s right here!
This was one of the proudest moments in my life and I can’t freaking wait to do it again!
BOW HOWDY Y’ALLL!!!
Man life is a hell of a ride!
Up and down, shit sometimes it goes sideways. One thing is for sure though is if it starts going backwards then it’s time to worry.
Always move forward!
MOMENTUM! GO! GO! GO!
This here is a neat approach and I’m going to start doing my emotions and overall mental well being. I think I can do it better than me!
Yeah, well I guess I haven’t really been doing as much with this here blog than I thought I would. Has life finally fluxed back into a more normal mode? I suppose it has. Things are great and glorious and wonderful, yet I’ve been in what could be called a bit of a “grumpy” mood. Thing is, I’m not really in the mood for that shit. I don’t like being grumpy to my kids, x wife, co workers, dogs, cats fuck you name it and I’ve been just slightly closer to yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU COCK FUCKS SHUT UP! I’m not in the mood to feel that way. It’s okay though. I actually know the exact reason my mood has been this way and I know exactly what I need to do to fix it. So, moving on…
One thing I’ve noticed living by myself again is I have found sitting in silence to be the best distraction. I’m not wasting time on the internet as much as I used to. I don’t have cable so I never have the T.V. on unless the kids want to watch something on Netflix. Also no music. Now that’s kind of a strange one for me. I usually always make time to sit and listen to records or something like that. The one thing I do do is play the shit out of my guitar (and hopefully annoy the shit out of my neighbors). I mean it might as well be welded to my body. Anyway, I find most of the time I’m just content with the sounds of my neighborhood. I really do love living in a “city” and all the sounds that come with it. I can hear the bells from the light rail as they go by and it kind a reminds me of when I lived in San Francisco, traffic, idiots in the street. Granted it’s not like New York or San Francisco which is just fine with me. The hum of the traffic and airplanes passing over head regularly is just right in my little corner of Earth.
Yeah, all is well and good. Room for improvement on my part but that’s the way this life game works. Apparently you need to actually participate!
I will make more time for this blog when it comes and it will.
Here’s the “official” video.
Today was the first deck day! It’s a beautiful day and Spring is on it’s way!
I got a tattoo! Red Fish, my big dumb betta fish. He’s a hysterical fish with a hell of an attitude problem. It’ll be getting color in May!
As you’re all aware of, I am a huge Melvins fan and I got to celebrate Buzzo’s 50th at Grumpy’s here in Minneapolis. It was an amazing acoustic set and great stage banter. I snapped this pic right when he got on stage.
H and I both are a bit taken aback by this pic because Lu is getting older. I love her face in this picture. She is so beautiful.
Even more mustaches!
So a couple of weeks ago I got to perform with a group called Cock E.S.P.. They’ve been around forever and it’s very “avant-garde”. Short sets of harsh noise and violence whilst still making fools out of our selves. It was a blast and I’m looking forward to doing many more shows as a part of Cock E.S.P.! Here’s a 15 second clip of the performance and yes those tighty whiteys were VERY TIGHT.
So hurray! My life has been kicking ass lately and I can honestly say I haven’t been this happy in quite a while. H and I have been getting along amazingly. The girls are doing great. Cadence is talking like crazy and is constantly cracking me up and LindaSue is excelling in school in such a way that I can’t even put into words how proud I am.
Oh yes indeed friends, I finally have a nice guitar! Fender Jaguar “Classic Player” with blendable coil-splitting pick-ups. Oh my goodness it sounds like the sweetest candy and plays like the juiciest cheeseburger.
Seriously, I can’t put it down. When I’m home it’s in my hands. I’m in love.